Naming
Naming is the first step toward de-escalation. You want to name what the person is feeling. Try using “frustrated” or “overwhelmed,” rather than “angry.” Anger can feel like a bigger, more unsolvable emotion than frustration.
Normalize their feelings with phrases such as:
- “Many people in your situation would feel scared.”
- “Yes, seeing so many doctors can feel overwhelming.”
- “It can be really frustrating when someone doesn’t communicate well.”
- “I’m wondering if you are feeling nervous.”
These sorts of phrases help validate how they feel before jumping towards solutions.
Understanding
Once you have named their feelings, take steps to better understand their point of view by carefully listening to their situation. In this stage, try not to say, “I understand what you are feeling.” You don’t actually understand their specific situation.
Instead, try to get them to share more about what they are going through. Use phrases like:
- “This really helps me understand what you are thinking.”
- “I can see this is important to you.”
- “Tell me more about what’s happened.”
Listen carefully to what they say and try to put yourself in their situation. During this step, align yourself with the person and help them know that you are on their side.
Respecting
Respecting is the most important step. We show respect by helping them see what is going well, particularly what they are doing well with this stressful situation.
Helpful phrases include:
- “I can really see how dedicated you are to your patients.”
- “You are such a caring daughter.”
- “I really admire your love for your family.”
These phrases help redirect their feelings to something more positive and helps them understand that you respect how they feel, and you respect who they are as a person.
Supporting
Statements of support provide further comfort in emotional situations. In this step, you reassure the person that you, and others, are working with them.
You might use phrases such as:
- “I will do my best to make sure you have what you need to do your job.”
- “Our team is committed to helping you any way we can.”
- “We will work through this together.”
It’s not enough to say that you support someone; in the next step, you need to provide that support.
Exploring
By the time you reach this last step, the person you are speaking to should be feeling much calmer. Together, you can explore the next steps and clarify any remaining questions you have about their feelings.
You’ll use phrases like:
- “Tell me more about what you mean when you say you don’t want to give up.”
- “Help me understand more about what you need to do your job well.”
- “Tell me what good communication looks like for you.”
Based on their answers, you should have a clearer vision of what you can do to improve the situation and move forward.
